The Dichotomy and Hypocrisy of being a Mother

It's never enough. It's either too much or too little. Everyday moms everywhere go through these  (most of the time) pointless dilemmas while raising and nurturing a baby that one can't help but think is this how nature programmed us to be? Is this what life's ultimate purpose is for mothers? To worry and stress themselves sick over insane things like which side of bed to sleep so that the baby faces you and gets equal time sleeping on both sides so that their skull shape is balanced and head doesn't look wonky. 

When in doubt, Google. This has always been my mantra. Through pregnancy and beyond. Ignore what mothers, mom in laws and grandmothers are saying. We are a different generation and we base our decisions on science and proven logic. Inspite of all my educated and over-informed and ever googling psyche, I'm the first one to insist on removing 'Nazar' the moment baby's been exposed to more than 3 humans at a time. Those 3 humans, ofcourse, do live in the same house. I'm the one who will put 'kaala tika' every now and then thinking 'meri nazar naa lage'. Knocking on the wood is my newly acquired musical skill. I rock at knocking on wood and think I may have a good chance featuring on 'Mommy's Got Talent'. 

 We moms don't have a very strong will power. There are days when you'll feel I'm gonna make my baby strong and not take him/her to the doc at the drop of the hat. I know what to do if he shows any signs of falling sick or gets hurt etc. After all Google is my imaginary best friend who always tells me what to do. I also have 3 baby apps. Yup. 3. But then there are these other days, when the first thing I think of is to call the pediatrician for seemingly silly stuff like 'oh baby whimpered a lot in sleep'. 'Or baby was not looking at me during playtime'. 'Baby's pouting a lot these days'. Is it too early to take selfies with baby?? Yeah yeah, it sounds stupid when I write in jest, but at that moment you think of nothing else and you are super confident that this maybe a sign of something serious. 

Like I said,  We moms don't have a very strong will power. You may say, we do what we feel best at that moment. And what's best for the baby. But what really is best for the baby? How do we even know that? Who assigned us to be the sole decider and stress monger for the child? It could be nature, mothers instinct, or God? I'll pick whats convenient for me right now. Tomorrow, my answer maybe different. And it's really okay. No one can judge you for that. I don't care two hoots if someone thinks I'm a super obsessed or an utterly carefree kind of a parent. I'm a hypocritical mom and I have no qualms in admitting it. After all I do have the baby's best interest in mind. Right?  ;) 

21 Things I did the last time I was not a Mom

The last time I went on a sleep marathon. Slept for 8 hours straight. Slept in on weekends. Slept sound. Slept through the alarm. Slept through the phone ringing. Slept without checking if the room temperature was too hot or too cold or too stuffy or too airy, too dark or too bright. If I slept on the right or left side of the bed. If the night lamp was on or off while I slept. Or to simply put. The last time I SLEPT. 

The last time I did regular and daily chores using both my hands.

The last time I watched TV for more than 5 minutes without interruption. The last time I actively watched TV. 

The last time these daily sounds didn't affect me. Birds chirping, pressure cooker whistle blowing, paper rustling, clock ticking,  fan/ac on high speed, fan/ac on low speed, switching a power button on/off, heavy breathing or snoring of self or husband. To name just a few. 

The last time I shopped at leisure. Taking my own sweet time to decide what to buy. Trying dozens of clothes and not buy anything. 

Also the last time I bought anything that didn't have buttons in the front. #nursingmoms

The last time I carried a proper purse/bag. All of my stuff (read wallet and keys) have found a permanent spot in baby's diaper bag. 

The last time I absolutely had to leave home carrying insane amount of junk in my bag. That were not just wallet or keys. 

The last time I left the house without mentally calculating the hours I will be out for and therefore the number of diapers, food or change of clothes I need to carry. For baby of course. 

The last time I left the house after spending a few guiltless, self obsessed minutes in front of the mirror. 

The last time my phone storage wasn't about to burst with photos and videos every 2 days. 

The last time I thought about the availability and hygiene condition of a diaper change room before waltzing into a mall or public place.

The last time I travelled without thinking if the journey was too long or short, bumpy or smooth. Travelled alone and not come back feeling guilty for spending a few extra minutes more than what was planned, away from home. 

The last time I travelled light. Actually scratch that. I never travelled light. 

The last time I bought size: medium. #sniff 

The last time my conversation with another person didn't involve talking/complaining/gushing/crying about the baby 

The last time I didn't judge myself for taking a good or a bad decision over pointless things like buying a fabric conditioner. 

The last time I never ever thought of buying a fabric conditioner. 

The last time I cried at the hospital for myself. The last time being lax and didn't mind not treating a common cold, fever or cough almost immediately at the first sign.   And the last time I hated taking medicines.

The last time I never thought about the  colour, quantity, consistency and frequency of poop and piss.

The last time I was happy just being two. 

The last time I had a life without this little baby devil in my arms. 

#HadtoEndonanEmotionalNote #AMomAfterAll

Weird things you do when you become a Mom

Learn how to do every chore in the house using just one hand. While the other hand holds the baby. One of the many super powers you develop. 

Read about the rest below. 

Measuring the distance between the wall/bed headboard and the baby's head when you're holding the baby upright  on shoulder and rocking him/her. So baby's head won't hit the wall. Seriously. I never saw this coming. 

Also careful calibration of time and distance between the room that baby is in to kitchen/front-door/washroom and back in case you need to. Inspite of your doomed-to-fail meticulous planning of not having to get up once you put baby to sleep and try to relax. Ha. 

Doing almost everything without making a sound. Eat, drink, talk, walk to the bathroom and back. You wish you had a sound proof flush even. Yet you somehow fail as your baby discovers newer sounds everyday and wakes right up. 

Tiny eardrums:1 - Genius Mom: 0. 

Storing mental data on the last time Ur baby ate, burped, had a diaper change, spit up, hours he slept, frequency of naps and poops, quantity/consistency/color of poop Amongst many other things. And trust me your brain never runs of storage for these seemingly pointless data.  

Sleep so light that you are up with every whimper, grunt or snore of the baby. There are times when I've gotten up just to check if baby's breathing. Yes. Judge all you want. 

Doing things super fast. Things that doesn't involve the baby. Things that keep you away from the baby. Reading, bathing, shopping, cooking, cleaning. Most anything. Even peeing and pooping. Yup. Go ahead and frown. 

Smelling things. My new found pastime is to smell the baby. It's either the head or the bum. Baby smell or poop smell. Respectively of course. You knew that. 

Judge yourself before taking the not-so-life-changing good or bad decisions. Like buying diapers online. Also you will spend insane amount of time comparing diaper prices online on different websites than what would be considered normal. By human standards. 

Writing about 'weird things that moms do' at 3 in the night when you know you should be sleeping. But the sleep has long ditched you. 

And historically, being ditched has directly been proportional to either get high (which in my case is not acceptable. Yet) or be completely creative and find an alternate purpose in life. Like Bill Clinton ditched Monica Lewinsky and she wrote that money-minting tell-all book. Or closer home, Aishwarya ditched Salman who then found 'Being Human' and dedicated himself to charity. 

Sincerely,

Former Sleep-Lover and a New mom. 

To an almost 3 months old.

P.S: this might be an ever evolving post.